The 4 best books summary

NowHabit

Notes from Now Habit by Neil A. Fiore, Ph.D.

Creating Safety: The First Major Step Out of Procrastination" (Excellent Analogy)

1. walking along a 30-foot board (task)
2. board is suspended between two buildings, 100 feet above the ground (task determines your worth)
3. you are frozen until you realize the building you are on is on fire (perfectionism/procrastination raise the stakes & time pressure forces you to act)
4. board 100 feet above the ground with a safety net (indisputable sense of worth acts as a safety net)

Five Self-Statements that Distinguish Procrastinators from Producers

1. I have to.
   1. replace w/I choose to.
2. I must finish.
   1. replace w/When can I start?
3. This is so big.
   1. replace w/I can take one small step.
4. I must be perfect.
   1. I can be human.
5. I don't have time to play.
   1. I must take time to play.

Combined: I choose to start one small imperfect step knowing I am human and I must take time to play.

Use Pull-Method Motivation

push method	pull method
peel the potatoes or you'll lose your weekend pass	earn another day of leave for each basket
increase the number of clients called per day or find another job	learn how to communicate effectively with clients and you'll be able to see more clients
read this entire shelf of books by the end of the semester	imagine that, as you read a chapter, you are placing it on this empty shelf

Tools

1. three-dimensional thinking
   1. consider any of the places to start, don't limit yourself to one right place
   2. permit yourself time along the way to learn, build confidence, and ask for help
   3. don't be critical that you're only starting when you "should be finished."
2. reverse calendar
   1. think backwords from the goal & deadline to the present
3. work of worrying (don't stop with just worrying, develop an action plan)
   1. What is the worst that could happen?
   2. What would I do if the worst really happened?
   3. How would I lessen the pain and get on with as much happiness as possible if the worse did occur?
   4. What alternatives would I have?
   5. What can I do now to lessen the probability of this dreaded event occuring?
   6. Is there anything I can do now to increase my chances of achieving my goal?
4. persistent starting

The Unschedule

• Do not work more than twenty hours a week on this project.
• Do not work more than five hours a day on this project.
• You must exercise, play, dance at least one hour a day.
• You must take at least one day a week off from any work.
• Aim for only thirty minutes of quality work.
• Work for an imperfect, perfectly human first effort.
• Start small.

1. Schedule only
   • previously committed time such as meals, sleep, meetings
   • free time, recreation, leisure reading
   • socializing
   • health activites such as swimming, running, tennis
   • routine structured events such as commuting time, classes, medical appointments
2. fill unschedule with work on projects only after you have completed at least one-half hour
3. take credit only for periods of work that represent at least thirty minutes of uninterrupted work
4. reward yourself with a break or a change to a more enjoyable task after each period worked
5. keep track of the number of quality hours worked each day and each week
6. always leave at least one full day a week for recreation and any necessary small chores
7. before deciding to play, take time out for just thirty minutes of work on your project
8. focus on starting
9. think small
10. keep starting
11. never end down

Managing People Who Procrastinate Commitment to a task sparks much more creativity and motivation than compliance.

Compliance	Commitment
You'd better finish by noon.	What can you get me by noon?
You have to get here on time, or else.	I've placed you in a responsible position and I'm depending on you to be here at nine o'clock.
Do it exactly as I showed you.	We need to be able to trust each other's work, so I need you to follow the guidelines precisely. Let me know if you have any problems with them.

Focus On Starting vs. Finishing

"Who Has the Thickest Face and the Blackest Heart?"

by Matt Furey

Note: The following is an article that was first published in 1996 for W.I.N. magazine. In 2001, a revision of this article was featured in GRAPPLING. On a regular basis, readers who lost this article asked if I could republish it. Well, here is yet another revision. Enjoy!

How about a prediction that I am willing to guarantee? A prediction that is timeless and true? A prediction that will repeat itself every single year, at every single combat sports event in the world? In fact, how about I guarantee that this prediction will repeat itself in EVERY arena known to man?

Here it is: In all arenas, the person who WINS will be the one with the thickest face and the blackest heart.

Thick face-black heart is a term coined in the 1911 book, Thick Black Theory. Written in China, Thick Black Theory was banned the day it was published - and still is. What does this mean? It means that there must be a message inside the book that gives POWER to people - and those in power don't want them to have it. In a nutshell, it must be one amazing book.

Thick Black Theory has never been translated into English, but the essence of it was summarized in Chin-Ning Chu's book, Thick Face, Black Heart. Let me paraphrase some of the particulars:

Thick Face: The quality of being immune to the criticisms or negative opinions of others. The ability to set aside your own doubts and fears, and proceed as if victory is inevitable.

Early on in any highly successful person's career, whether the person is a combat athlete, a business exec or a politician, he will endure criticism from others. Some people will criticize the art he competes in; others his dedication; others the choice of career or his ideas, whether they are radical or mainstream. Of course, some will even question the successful person's abilities, skills and intellect.

I don't know of a single "success" who never had a moment of self-doubt or fear. Moreover, I don't know of any who did not have detractors. It1s the nature of the game. In fact, the more successful a person becomes, the more detractors he will have.

Truth is, many of the greatest champion athletes have become great because they feared losing. This fear drove them to train harder than anyone else - so when it was time to take center stage - they were ready. In business, many great decisions are made only when you mix a "burning desire to succeed" with a heavy dose of caution.

A thick-faced person isn't crushed by others1 criticism. Although, like anyone else, a successful person likes approval ... he doesn't need it to survive. I am fond of saying, "Eagles don1t fly in flocks. They fly alone." You cannot rise high in life if you depend upon the approval of everyone. You CAN however rise as high as you want or need with the approval of the right people.

What separates the champion or the "success" from the pack is the willingness to run on his own gas. If you believe in him and his dreams, fine. If not - his dream is more important than your opinion.

A thick-faced person does not lose sleep over another person's negative comments. Criticism bounces off his face and goes elsewhere; looking for a thin-skinned person to slap around.

A thick-faced person is undeterred in the face of defeat. He does not let "inner battles" absorb his energy. If he is nervous or fearful, he channels this energy into productive power by focusing on a vision. In short, when negativity comes from the outside, it bounces off; if it comes from within, it is trapped, gagged and suffocated.

Black Heart: The quality of being passionately committed to the actions you must take to achieve a goal - while simultaneously showing no compassion or concern for how others are affected by those actions.

A combat athlete with a black heart is a ruthless person. He may think highly of his opponent, but when the referee starts the bout, he is a competitive animal. He does not care how much his opponent wants to win. He does not care if his opponent cries when he loses. He does not care if his opponent has worked for many years to achieve the same goal. He wants to win more than anyone else - and he is going to win as impressively as he can ... and if his opponent is physically or emotionally crushed afterward, tough luck.

When I tell people about the importance of having a thick face and black heart, I occasionally hear comments like, "I disagree. You don't have to be mean in order to win."

"It's not about being mean, although it could be," I answer. "Truth is, one of the meanest things you can do is whoop someone with a smile on your face; to destroy someone with kindness."

Thick face, black heart can be used for good or for evil. Naturally, I believe it is better for society when a person uses the principles of Thick Face, Black Heart for good purposes. But never lose sight of the fact that this is a quality that is used by saints as well as sociopaths.

All champion fighters have a thick face and a black heart. And so do all successful people.

In boxing we have Roy Jones, Jr. Do you think he feels a bit of remorse when he brutalizes one opponent after another? Not a chance.

In the NFL we have the Tampa Bay Bucanneers and their totally focused head coach, John Gruden. Tell me, do you really think Gruden cares one lick about the feelings of the team he beats? No way.

In the forthcoming recall election in California we are about to witness mud-slinging at its finest. It may end up being the most ruthless campaign our country has ever seen, especially with Larry Flint and Arnold Schwarzenegger in the race. Sit back and watch the show.

Just remember, when all is said and done, the person who emerges as Governor will be the same type of person who emerges as champion in an athletic event. The winner will be the person with the thickest face and blackest heart.

[Matt Furey is a world champion martial artist and national champion wrestler who is also the best-selling author of Combat Conditioning. Be sure to get yourself a copy.]

'Learned Optimism' by Martin E. P. Seligman
notes by J. Zimmerman

Aging: Death and Dying. Keep your mind young with Sudoku. How to solve sudoku -- easy rules.

Crime: Criminal Behavior. Criminal Justice Glossary. Criminal Investigation.

Political science: Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope. Introduction to Political Science. Political Science Glossary. USA Modern History Glossary.

Psychology: Biopsychology. Cognitive Psychology. The Enneagram and Psychology Evolutionary Psychology. Personality Psychology Psychological research methods. Psychology books: blink by Malcolm Gladwell. Know How: Guided Programs for Inventing Your Own Best Future by Leslie Cameron-Bandler. Nature of Prejudice by Gordon W. Allport. Learned Optimism by Martin E. P. Seligman. Pessimism (defensive) (Norem).

Related: Ecology. Evolution.

Disclaimer Links. Books read recently. Best books read. Harry Potter books.

J. Zimmerman on
Learned Optimism by Martin E. P. Seligman.

Seligman's Learned Optimism has become so important in the self-help field because it justifies its claims through its scientific foundation. The book is not only about optimism. It also validates the possibility of personal change through one's efforts and will.

Learned Optimism by Martin E. P. Seligman. Discover what other people think or obtain your own copy of Learned Optimism.

Seligman on Explanatory Style How can you figure out your style? How can you change your style? Who is Martin Seligman? A brief bio

Seligman on Explanatory Style

Seligman observes that there are three enormous differences in the Explanatory Style (the way in which a person tends to explain situations to herself) between pessimistic people and optimistic people:

1. Temporary versus Permanent: how long something lasts and how frequently it occurs.

   "People who give up easily believe the causes of the bad events that happen to them are permanent: The bad events will persist, [and] will always be there to affect their lives." "The permanence dimension determines how long a person gives up for. 'Permanent' explanations of bad events produce long-lasting helplessness and 'temporary' explanations produce resilience." "Optimistic people explain good events to themselves in terms of permanent causes: traits, abilities, always's. Pessimists name transient causes: moods, effects, sometimes's."

2. Pervasiveness, which concerns how widespread something is:

   	When something wanted ...	When something unwanted ...
   ... happens to an optimist	Success is attributed to a universal explanation such as a widespread skill (e.g. 'I am smart').	Failure is attributed to a specific explanation (e.g. 'Professor Seligman is not fair').
   ... happens to a pessimist	Success is attributed to a specific instance (e.g. 'I am smart at memorizing phone numbers'.)	Failure is attributed to a universal explanation or generalization (e.g., 'All teachers are unfair').

3. Personalization: Internal versus External attribution: Is it about you or about other people?

   "When bad things happen, we can blame ourselves (internalize) or we can blame other people or circumstances (externalize). People who blame themselves when they fail have low self-esteem as a consequence. They think they are worthless, talentless, and unlovable. People who blame external events do not lose self-esteem when bad events strike. On the whole, they like themselves a lot better than people that blame themselves do. "

Seligman says that you can use a different, more optimistic, way of explaining setbacks to yourself, and that this can protect you from allowing a crisis to drop you into depression.

Seligman found that people who give up easily have not argued against their negative interpretation of failure and their self-disparagement.

Those who avoid being snared by depression tend to listen to their internal dialogue, and then argue with themselves against their self-limiting thoughts, and quickly find more positive thought about the event that concerns them.

How can you figure out your style?

Seligman includes a series of tests that you can take, so that you can measure your explanatory style, and determine how you use those three dimensions (permanence, pervasiveness, and personalization).

How can you change your style?

The final third of Seligman's book is Changing: From Pessimism to Optimism. Using techniques of cognitive therapy developed by Steven Hollon and Arthur Freeman, he asks the reader to identify the ABC's:

• Adversity that is encountered.
• Beliefs that arise - what you think.
• Consequences - what you do.

Initially you simply record what happens.

Then he teaches you two techniques:

"There are two general ways for you to deal with your pessimistic beliefs once you are aware of them. The first is simply to distract yourself when they occur - try to think of something else. The second is to dispute them. Disputing is more effective in the long run, because successfully disputed beliefs are less likely to recur when the same situation presents itself again."

Who is Martin Seligman? A brief bio

Martin Seligman is a cognitive psychologist. He asks "What makes a person keep going after the death of a spouse or a child, or pick themselves up after their company folds."

He is credited with developing the learned helplessness theory of depression, and with discovering ways that people can become more optimistic and therefore less likely to succumb to depression.

Martin Seligman grew up in Albany, New York. As an undergraduate at Princeton, he majored in modern philosophy. Shifting to psychology, he became licensed as a psychologist in 1973, and then directed the clinical training program of the University of Pennsylvania psychology department.

Seligman has written over a dozen books and almost 200 articles.

We highly recommend Learned Optimism by Martin E. P. Seligman.

Learned Optimism by Martin E. P. Seligman. Discover what other people think or obtain your own copy of Learned Optimism.

Links to other good books: Book recently read and assessed. Best books read in 2003. Best books read. MH-CAN (Mental Health info). On Buddhism. On How to Write Poetry. On Handwriting.

[Thanks for visiting.]

Copyright

Malcolm Gladwell’s new book: The Outliers

May 20, 2008 · 11 Comments

Gladwell’s new book, *The Outliers* (2008) focuses on success and the hard work, social context and cultural background that explains why some people excel and others don’t. He has a related article in The New Yorker on genius (trivia note: a related post of his on this topic was rejected a long time ago by the New Yorker). Gladwell’s new book seems better at explaining the success of some than in its prescriptions for how to get others to succeed.

While The Tipping Point seemed to focus more on individuals and their power to change society, The Outliers focuses more on the social and cultural context of individuals to explain their extraordinary success. As per vintage Gladwell, it takes a very eclectic path toward its subject, looking at everything from a genius who lives on a horse farm in Northern Missouri, to why Canadians are better hockey players (and which Canadians are the best), to why Korean pilots are more likely to crash planes.

In a nutshell, Gladwell believes The Beatles’ success was due to the fact that in their early years in Hamburg, Germany, they had to play very long sets at clubs, in a wide variety of styles, which both helped them to get in their 10,000 hours (see below on its importance) and forced them to be creative and excel at experimenting. He notes the eerie correlation between who is a good pilot and what culture they came from. He explores why a little town in Eastern Pennsylvania has had zero heart attacks. He divulges that one 9 year stretch has accounted for more Outliers than any other. He credits the success of Chinese math geniuses to the their harder studies and greater patience in problem-solving, stemming from a cultural legacy of long days of work in rice paddies; Gladwell contrasts the Chinese proverb ‘No one who can rise before dawn 360 days a year fails to make his family rich’ with the American agricultural practice of letting fields lie fallow in winter, which led to a school year with summer vacations — a practice that works for children of the well-educated but fails children of the less-educated who give up many of their school-year academic gains over the summer. He credits Bill Gates’ success to early and sustained access to high-end computers. As Edward Tenner notes on Slate: “Memo to overscheduling, hovering, upper-middle-class mothers and fathers: Keep up the good work.”

Gladwell gave a related talk at the New Yorker’s conference last year called “Genius: 2012″. In the talk Gladwell explains how success in the 21st century is less about sheer intelligence and more about collaboration and hard work to get to the level of mastery in a topic (which he says typically takes 10,000 hours). Outliers describes how Bill Gates was able to get to 10,000 hours while still in middle and high school in Seattle due to 9 incredibly fortunate concurrences: among them, that his private school could fund a sophisticated computer in their computer club, and fact that he lived close to the U. of Washington, where he could use an even more sophisticated computer. Gladwell concedes that Gates is obviously brilliant, but still notes that many other brilliant youth never had the chance to become computer stars of Gates’ magnitude because they didn’t have access to these sophisticated computers.

In the New Yorker conference, Gladwell uses the contrast of Michael Ventris (who cracked the undecipherable code called Linear B of Minoans from Knossos on Crete) – and Andrew Wiles (a Mathematics Professor who solved what some thought might never be solved: Fermat’s Last Theorem).

Michael Ventris was the pre-modern genius: working mainly alone, in his free time, utterly brilliant and solving in a flash of insight after 1.5 years of free time during nights and weekends spent on the problem. Andrew Wiles, on the other hand, took about ten years to solve the theorem (close to those same 10,000 hours), and built on scholarly work over decades by a dozen other mathematicians. Gladwell notes that Wiles was less a pure genius and more a master at diligently working away at this problem, and building on the shoulders of other math giants. He also points to the important of hard work by showing that what separates better oncologists from worse oncologists was not intelligence or training, but how long they spent trying to find cancers from the colonoscopy results (*the mismatch problem*). [The mismatch was that oncologists often chosen for their brilliance and how fast they could examine the colonoscopies.] Gladwell notes that he thinks we need to think more about how to get a dozen Andrew Wiles than one Michael Ventris and thus we need to focus on *capitalization* (how some groups, like Chinese-Americans, are better able to translate given levels of IQ into managerial experience at 33% higher rates than White Americans.)

Speaking at a recent PopTech conference in Camden Maine in 2008, after explaining America’s abysmal capitalization rate, Gladwell’s gloom and doom gave way to optimism. “We have a scarcity of achievement in this country, not because we have a scarcity of talent. We have a scarcity of achievement because we’re squandering that talent. And that’s not bad news, that’s good news, because it says this scarcity is not something we have to live with. It’s something we can do something about.”

Gladwell: “Our romantic notion of the genius must be wrong. A scientific genius is not a person who does what no one else can do; he or she is someone who does what it takes many others to do. The genius is not a unique source of insight; he is merely an efficient source of insight.”

As advocates of the importance of social capital, it is obviously self-validating that Gladwell shows how social networks (beyond mere brilliance) is one of the factors Gladwell tags as a key to success. Scholars like Ronald Burt and others have clearly showed that lifetime earnings is more clearly a function of social interconnections than of levels of education.

There is interesting parallel work to Gladwell’s which shows up in work by an economist named David Galenson in an intriguing book called Old Masters and Young Geniuses.

Galenson believes that artists fall into two categories:

1) conceptual innovators who peak creatively early in life. They know what they want to accomplish and then set out with certainty to accomplish this. (Examples include Pablo Picasso, T.S. Eliot, F. Scott Fitzgerald, and Orson Wells).

2) experimental innovators who peak creatively later. They dabble, try new things (some of which succeed and some fail), learn from their mistakes, and make incremental improvements to their art until they’re capable of real masterpiece. Examples include Paul Cezanne, Frank Lloyd Wright, Mark Twain, and Jackson Pollock).

Galenson’s work parallels Gladwell’s in his belief that many “geniuses” are not born great but have the capacity to learn from others and learn from failures along the way. See interesting talk by Gladwell discussing Galenson in “Age Before Beauty.”

In a preview interview of Outliers in New York magazine, he talks about the case of Canadian hockey players:

Gladwell explains why the relative-age effect (a compounding of some initial advantage over time), explains why a disproportionate number of elite Canadian hockey players were born in the first half of the year (popularizing the research of a Canadian psychologist). Because Canada’s eligibility cutoff for junior hockey is January 1, Gladwell writes, “a boy who turns 10 on January 2, then, could be playing alongside someone who doesn’t turn 10 until the end of the year.” Since the differences in physical maturity are so great at that age, this initial advantage in when one starts playing competitive hockey helps explain which kid will make the league all-star team. And similarly, by making the all-star team earlier, the January 2 kid gets another leg up in more practice, better coaching, tougher competition, that compound that difference. Gladwell says it explains why by age 14, the January 2 birthday kid (who is only a couple days older than the December 30) kid is so much better at hockey. Gladwell says the solution is doubling the number of junior hockey leagues—some for kids born in the first half of the year, others for kids born in the second half. Or, as it applies to elementary schools, Gladwell believes that elementary and middle schools should put group students in three classes (January-April birthdays, May-August birthdays, and September-December birthdays) to “level the playing field.”

It’s interesting, as New York magazine points out, that at some level The Tipping Point was all about how one individual, taking advantage of connectors and influencers and the structure of social networks can move the world. The Outliers starts at the other pole and argues that people’s opportunity to move the world and excel, while partly driven by talent, is largely structured by opportunities provided externally. The Outliers is an invitation for governmental-policy to ensure that those who are talented can achieve, rather than be left to chance of who happens to be given the opportunities. While Gladwell is quick to seize upon the accumulated advantages of those who succeed, he overlooks the role of persistance and motivation (which someones arises out of adversity). Slate has a brief historical discussion of figures like Oppenheimer who overcame their disadvantages and quotes Sarkozy who said: “What made me who I am now is the sum of all the humiliations suffered during childhood.”

N.B.: Interestingly, Gladwell, who is a rare breed of journalist-celebrity, such that Fast Company once called him “a rock star, a spiritual leader, a stud”, insists that he is not an Outlier; he says “I’m just a journalist.” He does explain that he put in his own 10,000 hours at the Washington Post from 1987-1997, and it was only because of that investment in the craft of journalism that he could succeed when he moved to the New Yorker in 1997.

Read excerpts of Outliers here.

Related article “Genius: The Modern View” by David Brooks (NYT Op-Ed, 5/1/09).

The book, BTW, is panned by Michiko Kakutani of the NYT in “It’s True: Success Succeeds and Advantages Can Help” (11/17/08).

Interesting video of Gladwell presenting at AIGA’s Gain conference here; he discusses success via detailed story of Fleetwood Mac and shorter discussion of the Beatles. (PSFK)

Categories: 10000 hours · New York Magazine · PopTech · andrew wiles · bill gates · capitalization problem · collaboration · david galenson · hockey players · malcolm gladwell · michael ventris · michiko kakutani · mismatch problem · new york times · old masters and young geniuses · outliers
Tagged: andrew wiles, capitalization problem, malcolm gladwell, michael ventris, mismatch problem, outliers

11 responses so far ↓

• 

  Jim Cooke // September 12, 2008 at 2:37 pm | Reply

  “True genius is nothing but the power of applying the mind to its object.”
  - John Quincy Adams

• 

  L Anderson // November 18, 2008 at 7:20 am | Reply

  For those of us with children, I would have liked to have seen the book identify the next big opportunity. Will it be generational? Will it be in service industries? What global trends might we see and or take advantage of?

• 

  George D. // November 20, 2008 at 2:22 pm | Reply

  L Anderson: The next opportunity is that which they “will” invent.

  So much for the self made man. Not only does the mountain make the man but also the valley in which he stands. Surely the prop tells the tale even as much as the actor. Zen.

• 

  T. Williams // November 23, 2008 at 5:45 pm | Reply

  I agree with L. Anderson. The book did not reach its full potential considering the most interesting element was its reference to time, place and opportunity. From a historical perspective the book concisely ties “greatness” (great accomplishments and great people) to a great deal of happenstance. There was something very positive about “normalizing” the abnormal and giving hope to the ordinary.

  Considering the times, one would expect the take away to be much more promising. I too was expecting his prediction for the “now” particularly given the similarities of today’s socioeconomic situation to that of the 30”s and 40’s. Or with respect to technology, similar to 1975, are we on the brink of the next big thing? Are we too old to know, too young to capitalize, or just not ingenious enough to know the difference? I feel like the guy sitting on the box, watching and waiting. Certainly it’s around the corner.

  With that said, I could live without his prediction, maybe sometimes one only needs to stir the pot. If that was his purpose, so be it. ALthough, I get the feeling he intended to accomplish much more which again leaves me disappointed.

  Instead of continuing his story of human successes, he went on a tangent analyzing the success of failures. In his attempt to move from the impact of circumstance on the individual to the impact of cultural legacy the book not only took readers down a different path, it also created a negative tone. For me the airline and subsequent info should have been saved for the follow up book (or school essay as it read like one).

  In the end his attempt to recapture the essence of his original thought was good. However considering I dedicated my Sunday to the book…I wanted more.

• 

  JDixson // December 12, 2008 at 11:12 am | Reply

  Outliers is a great book. Like Gladwell’s other books it is presented as case studies. The author leaves little room for critical thinking by interlacing his opinion and ideas throughout. The book’s thesis states successful people–Outliers–are “grounded in a web of advantages and inheritances, some deserved, some not, some earned, some just plain lucky–but all critical to making them who they are.” I fully subscribe to the theory of right place and right time paired with hard work and a fair amount of luck as a means to success. But the book makes a strong case by chronicling several super wealthy or influential people.

  I enjoyed the book and had trouble putting it down. It was entertaining and provides plenty of fodder for pseudo-intellectual conversations. However, it is not a revelation to me nor will it break new ground for anyone who has believes we are products of our environment with slight variations based on our genes.

  I am currently working on my 10k hours as a writer. I’m confident I will get good at it someday.

• 

  N. LeClaire // December 26, 2008 at 3:55 pm | Reply

  Whether you like his style of case study research and its validity, Or not. He does a very good job of pointing out the nuances that allow successful situations to occur. Social context, linguistics, past cultural norms; understanding these situations have come to me firsthand. I grew up in a more traditional setting with a combination of all of these aspects being apart of my life.

  Having grown up in a small town with a family business, in a unique set of cultural norms and history and work ethic; I was fortunate/unfortunate enough to examine all of these after college as I returned to Lake Wobegon (central Minnesota) to run our business when my father had cancer.

  Examining cultural norms, linguistics and conducting and supervising change has become my new passion as I have searched to find answers to everything I felt during those trying times.
  The underlying foundation to success, efficiency, business development, is understanding the nuances that direct human decision-making and learning.

  Having grown up apart of a relatively complex trade family (electricians and electrical engineers), in the context of a small town, I development and a sense of ownership and accomplishment, work ethic and sense of duty that makes me strive for meaningful work.

  I do not come from the context of New York Jewish clothing makers and lawyers. I come from the context of engineering and energy and community at the edge of the wilderness (so to speak). Consequently I don’t strive for success in the same terms that Gladwell writes about with regard for modern success.

  I am of the the youngest generation, and I have been concerned for the current situation we are in since it started – 10 years ago when I was in High School. As I saw the impending end of the era that we just finished with.

  Success for myself and for your children will be in the redirection and rebuilding of what we do as a society. Newer, cleaner, more efficient technologies. Using our ambitions to redirect and rebuild a better norm.

• 

  Publius // January 7, 2009 at 4:53 pm | Reply

  The Linear B writing system was created by the Myceneans, not the Minoans. However, the Linear A system was indeed used by the Minoans.

• 

  i think he's a hack // February 12, 2009 at 3:26 am | Reply

  Yes, we all know that cultural behaviors play a role in Korean Air crashes. Or does it?
  Well first, let’s start with the 10,000 rule. He’s emphasizing the role of practice, yet he’s not thorough and even misleading and his book comes with a bout of negativity which is why I’m not reading this. First, it’s not about statistical variances and I’m greatly disappointed. But please allow me to elaborate on the horrible negativity and short sightedness that comes with this book.

  My entire life I’ve been fortunate to be surrounded by prodigies. Did these prodigies do everything 10,000 times? Absolutely not. Again practice and experience is always an asset, I’ve known people to suddently become math whizzes. Although the practice & experience is definately beneficial to success, corrective guidance is absolutely required.

  So you have a bunch of Canadians who had an extra 9 months to develop and compete for hockey. Their competition always have a chance to catch up. I’ve seen athletes maneuver their way into Olympic consideration within the first 2 years they participated in that sport. Yes practice and conditioning was necessary, implementing quality strategic coaching and guidance on how to best do the sport is absolutely necessary. I’m not taking credit away but let’s be realistic. Corrective guidance goes a lot further than doing something 10,000 times. A quarterback can practice his throws 10,000 times, but not complete this magical deep pass without some form of correction and guidance in his strategy.

  Some people just have “it”. Others who have done the same thing 10,000 times may not be as competative. “Beginner’s luck”? You might ask? Not always, not everyone stays a beginner.
  Yet for those who are priveledged definately don’t take advantage of it. I’ve known a few trust fund babies that own a lot of software yet still not know how to turn on a laptop.

  Again, it’s corrective guidance. I once knew a math whiz who couldn’t do basic math no matter how many problems you gave him. Guess what? The kid needed glasses. After he was easily doing problems intended for students years ahead of him. Practice doesn’t always make perfect.

  Lest the very one thing that holds people back from success is a lack of self confidence. Not the fear of success, but of failure and the negativity that goes along with failure. You miss out on accidental successes. We live in a “competative” world full of psychological warfare and ulterior motives. How do you know that your own negativity isn’t imposing on some kid’s science talents? Or verbal talents? Or even their creative abilities?

  Life is improv. ***You don’t get to live life 10,000 times to get it right.*** You can do something 10,000 times and it may not make a difference in anyone’s world. Not every strategy will be executed in the same matter, it’s more important to play smart ball than to play out of habit. You can do something once, and wisely and make a world of difference. Bill Gates only ran one company. He and Steve Jobs had their fair share of rough patches and no, neither were ‘pros’. Software knowledge is only part of the game.

• 

  Matthew Wagner // April 8, 2009 at 11:17 am | Reply

  I have just finished reading this book and must say that the content of Outliers was not really surprising. I imagine this was the case for many readers. I think it’s a great book for parents to read and that’s why it was recommended to me.

• 

  Romain // April 15, 2009 at 12:20 am | Reply

  My thoughts on Outliers through the above link.

  [snippet]

  “I am not sure that the Book deserves much of a review. It would be giving it too much credit. Suffice to say that, in order to prove that success is predictable, Mr Gladwell accumulates a bunch of coincidence and random facts with enough bad faith or sheer stupidity that it almost becomes funny.

  “I must agree though with Mr Gladwell: if sales of this book can be used as an example for his rule, success is indeed predictable. Since Outliers bears so so much resemblance both in its construction and level of depth, with the profound, heartwarming, instant classic, Chicken Soup for the Soul, it just HAD to be a hit… “

• 

  Paul // April 15, 2009 at 10:24 am | Reply

  So the premise is “practice makes perfect” and “timing is everything” woven into a statistically invalid analysis. Particularly annoying part is the Hockey team in Canada=not a very homogenous test group so measuring their birthdates and alignment with hockey rosters – might want to compare to something else… how about maturity rates- boys that have early puberty might well be on the hockey and football rosters…probably a bigger determinant than the actual birthday. Take a snapshot of a mixed urban 6th grade class – there can be a 12″ and 30 lb difference among students. I also suggest that the roster be compared to some baseline of birthdays-it assumes falsely that there is an equal distribution of births… hmm-winter in Canada, not so much to do… Nov-Jan would equal a lot of Spring birthdays…

  The points about access to computers at Michigan might have considered other strong shifts in access. Post WWII access to college and GI Bills put mainstream into education, or those that worked in emerging technology and aircraft became the defense contrators of the 60’s and 70’s…Defense reseach dollars gave unparralled funding and access to almost infinite success stories.

My poker improved after small ball

912 am may 10. After just watching daniel negraenu small ball tutorial on youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iuDQe-DR50

it seems like my grow eyes on the enemy cards and motivation

like one who push all in, i have 88 with board j7q and i know the enemy has nothing because why would he push all in if he had something? i call with nothing.

the other one is i call with a low pair at flop, then turn i still bet pretending i had something.

Wow now i dont even need to memorize method, i just had to know the enemy

It is very important to take notes while studying a book

It is very important to take down notes after scanning a book.

1. Scan the book.
2. Understand the contents of the book.
3. Take down notes of the importatn points.

Taking down notes cyrstalizes my memory and thinking. It is a very important step.

For Sybex OCA study guide in .pdf format, i use copy paste the important points to a word doc.

Love something is probably most important knowledge i have

Found it today while writing the treasure chest for you.

Find something you love. And continue loving it. Find something you are crazy about.

Like karate, or Oracle, or Poetry, or Poker.

This is properly the ultra method that will carry you during all difficult times.

The best way to motivate yourself

If you are feeling down or questioning your abilities during a failure.

Look back at the things you have done and accomplish, hell even learning to spell or to walk, or to be alive is a big accomplishment.

Looking back i have achieve a lot of things, like getting to sleep with your mom :). Or get 4% below passing grade for MYSQL exam with only one month of study no practical during chinese new year.


And brains is not the most important thing. Loving what you do is. Loving the object is the most important thing.

Love is. It is very important to love.

Misc thoughts havent sorted but properly important

-Religion is properly technology on the process of the mind.
-April 25: Detachment is properly the metaprogram to get away from the hold of the old programs.
-All is mind

-Run, dont walk - A linux guru
This lets me makes mistakes. Rush toward life. Try something new. Stop criticizing myself. Get excited about life. Feel the pleasure of rushing.

- Run Lola Run, a german film is a good spiritual film.

-Poker can be used to think about all human interaction.

-A collegue told me some useful words:
If you dont work, what would you do?
If he can do it, why cant you do it?

-Extreme Ying and yang. The method i teach you are mostly yang war mode for day time. But at night time or certain day time, need ying mode like forgiveness and yielding. The two mode must exist together.

- I just realize the world of illusion the Hindus say is actually the animal world. The animal is only concern with survival. THe animal cannot see that we will die and all of this doesnt matter.

-Reading philosophy books gives me consciousness, see things i cannot see. I only see 10% of this world, philosophy open my eyes to see the 70% rest of the things in this world. It is like adding colors to grey buildings. Language is actually a collection of pointers. Philosophy is the huge package of pointers for consciousness.

-I study oracle on bus, small chunks, not more than 2 hours, because the brain need rest. DOnt try to cram studying, instead study it in small chunks.

-Happiness is probably having the confidence to know that you can handle all difficulties that comes along.

-Studying Oracle is like studying a forest. All man made things is actually a part of evolution, like complex cyrstal forming, like the patterns of Go board game

The ultra method: Break it down

This method properly can work for ALL your thinking about difficult situation. All difficult situation is actually related to survival and resources. It is properly more effective than all the detachement, no ego, methods etc. Because it is direct active confrontation like karate not passive hiding like forgiveness.

Thus breaking things down to manageble pieces will make you in control instead of the situation controlling you.

-Break things down into smaller pieces
-Pretend it is actually easy
-Give yourself a small reward for all task done. Trains the brain
-Accept suffering. This is my old metamethod read old treasure chest in emails.
-It is actually more easy than learning how to spell, it is like natural soaking. Remember how difficult it was to learn how to spell when you were little.
-DO it the slow fast way to have quality and speed later. Like wine fermitation. Like the building up of influence in go.

The book to help you is

The Now Habit: A Strategic Program for Overcoming Procrastination and Enjoying Guilt-Free Play (Paperback)

by Neil Fiore

My life now is a bit like Shamo

Shamo by Izo Hashimoto is a manga depicting a boy, that is a genius but killed his parents, got thrown into jail, and then discovered karate, and become a professional fighter and gigolo.

My life is of course not that extreme, but it folow a similiar pattern. I was a very nice guy with badness i was not awared of. I need to psychologically kill my parents in order to break out of their neurotism. I discovered poker, karate, chronicals of Ridick, to be a bit bad guy to balance my personality. Thick black theory would not work, but practice like poker and karate.

It is a journey.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shamo_(manga)

The comic can be read for free in www.onemange.com.

The only one method that can bring happiness

Work very hard.

If i were to pass you only one knowledge, this would be it.

All other methods are superficial and would not work without the above method. The method is the mother of all methods. If you cannot control your physical world, all the rest 590 methods would not work to bring you happiness.

All experts once are lousy and dont know also, the only thing they to become is expert is

practice, practice, practice - A great samurai

As reported in the book "Outliners" all experts need 10,000 hours work to reach where they are. No matter if it is karate, chess, oracle, yoga, cooking, poker, sells, or even xbox, need constant practice.

A sellsman once ask a guru is there any special technique to make sells. The guru ask the sellsman to make cold calls 100 times a day.

Grunt force is always the way to go, from my long experience of searching for special short cut techniques for anything: chess, poker, enlightenment, reality manifesting, oracle etc, short cuts most of the time dont work but grunt work always work, it is like the law of gravity.

In karate, a good gyaku need a standard of 1,000 repetitions a day to reach competence.

Formal sitting meditation is still king

Last night i meditated for about 1/2 -1 hour, slept for only 3-4 hours and today though a bit tired but i am much more alert and together then before; had been grumpy for about 2 months.

It seems like meditating before sleep can boost sleep quality and shorten sleep time.

Sitting meditation is still king, much better than ordinary day to day mindfulness, or karate, or Yoga Nidra. The linking of hands and feet during sitting meditation possibly resyn the body energy.

I could have hacked enlightenment 11:30pm May 03 here is the entire process

Tomorrow bring Ryan to new nanny, anxiety for Ryan, plus job stress.

Use the no self technique to meditate by imagining i have no self. No thinking method is much less effective than no self because self is the organizing principle that pushes thought generation
for self perservation. I have invented a new meditation system. The mind is similiar to a big city where there billions of objects interconnected to each other inside like people, phones, rats,
cars. The mind has more connections than atoms in the universe. But just take away some simple rules in the city like gravity, or the judicial law, and you the city system into chaos. The self is
the judicial law in the city, take away the law governing people and you take away the thought structure. And thus no self meditation can easily lead into no thought. The bhagavad gita system
of pulling back your senses like a turtle is no useful because there is still a self.

THen i go to bed but still stress. I use the NLP system "The structure of happiness" by xxxxxx; being unhappy is due to focusing on the internal self, and focusing narrowly, but being happy is
focusing on the external and focusing broadly eg like listening to all the sound outside the house. I use this technqiue, works, but the technique still requires effort and i notice strain.
Then i remember this parable by xxxxxx, see below. And i let go of control. And immediately i felt this great relieve, and the rush of excitement of going together with this river and great
excitement about life.


I then thought that life is a river. And this river somehow come into existence from nothingness. There must be organizing principal that brought all of this river into being including existence. I
came from this organizing principal and must go back to this organizing principal. The universe itself is life. And i am not afraid of death.

I also thought the planets is actually like atoms, life is actually a bunch of atoms interacting with each other like planets interact with each other. They are actually in the same oganizing
principal in a pyramid. Life is actually the organizing principal in a condense form. My ego self the mind is actually the planets interacting with each, my mind is actually the component of the universe, there is actually no separate me. The universe and i are like water though with different shape but are connected, the universe and i are one, there is no separate i. THe wars in this world are actually the same substance, the same organizing principal, interacting iwth each other like the waves on a sea. And i have no fear of death and no hatret or dislike. And when i
thought about my mistakes and shortcomings i cannot change, i thought of another more capable person take over me but he is actually the same substance, and i relax and dont care about
the mistake i made in work. I thought if anythign happend to my children, they are actually returning to the source and i have no fear.

I am in tremendous joy or bliss as they call it. I look at the clock it is 11:30pm.

THen i look outside at my eyelids from my eyes, "coming back to my body", before this i was looking a image in my mind about all the above, i felt a great anxiety, the usual stress coming back, what should i do for my work tomorrow, how should i handle Ryan.

I then thought one second ago i was so happy, knowing exactly what is the actual way the things are and have no fear. How come i am so stressed again? I analysis what have happened,
what is the difference of my state now and just a while ago. Then i found out that now i am using the first person perspective and before that i am using the third person perspective. During the bliss i was looking at myself from outside during the river parable (also the river parable could have tricked me into looking at a third person perspective), and the subsequent image about organizing principal and all are one universe are looking from a third person perspective.

I remember a DSP engineer paper on the debate of free will and determinism is actually the difference between the first person (free will) and the third person (determinism). I thought about reading NLP years ago about first person and thrid person perpective but never felt what it means. ANd all this years subconsicously i may have used the third person perspective to gain happiness; one some days my positive thinking method seems to work.


I realize tHe hindu system of no ego, detachment, oneness iwth the universe, everything is god, is actually from a third person perspective. Meditation training is actually the streightening of
the third person perspective perhaps by shutting down and activating certain brain centers that forms the thrid person perspective. The third person perspective is a 3d mind matrix that requires certain specific brain modules to be activated.

When i am using the thrid person perspecitve i am happy. when i am using the first person perspective i am in fear and stress.

Previously using nlp mehtod it did not work properly because i was straining to imaging the image details inthe third person perspective. Whereas now it work because i was unconsciously
usng the techque putting energy thinking about the vague image pattern and not empahsizing straining to see myself in third person

I tried to see myself in the thrid person perspective, and the original happiness came back, the same confidence and without fear.

it seems that animals are sually in the first person perspective, they are usually in fear when slaughtered. Human beings evolved the thrid person perpective as a result of evolution. Human
beings are aware of their death and need the third person perspective so they wont be stressed to death. But this third person perspective is not a illusion, because it is a result of evolution. Thoughts also memes is actually the direct result of the organizing principal which evolved
material existence, the base is the material existence the apex of the organzing principal pyramid is thougth, they are one and the same.


Came out for honey with crackers. Wife also cannot sleep. Write this down at 1am.

Now i finally understand NLP system. I finally understand how the difficult hindu system works. I understand how tao, christianity, kabalah system works. All because of using the thrid
person perspective. I understand why one someday my positive thinking methods work and some day they dont at all. I know how come motivation seminar works the day people attend them and after leaving the seminar the sytem dont work anymore, because the motivation
seminar puts the attendees into a third person perspective. Some books tried to explain why this fenome but did not find the key. The thrid and first person is the key. I have found a new key.

Practice practice practice

The only way to survive in this world is to be expert in something. And the only way to do that is practice, practice practice. There is no other way. This is the pillar of all happiness. Other things is secondary, hard work always come first.

"It may sound silly but the key to self-confidence and building more self-esteem is through practice. Practice what it is you want to feel more confident about and eventually, the confidence will show itself. That makes sense if we're talking about a skill like playing the piano. With enough practice, you naturally begin to get good at it and then you feel more confident. But what about tougher things like public speaking or meeting new people? How do you practice something that you're terrified to do in the first place?

If you have extreme self-esteem issues then you might want to seek professional help, but if you've determined that isn't necessary, I would suggest that you start out by finding something that you genuinely love to do. Other than maybe reading books or doing crossword puzzles over coffee, most hobbies are a good place to start. Do you love to paint? Do you love to play a musical instrument? Do you love athletics? Find something that you love to do or that you think you would love to do. It's not important what it is other than that it would bring you into contact with people on a tiny level. Unless you're living in a cave somewhere, somebody is going to see your art work, hear your music, or see you running around practicing your sport. You don't have to pick a big team oriented thing, just something that fascinates you and will be noticeable. Then do it. Learn to draw, take music lessons, start playing basketball in your own driveway, whatever, just start doing something that you can really enjoy.

Keep doing it until you get really good at it. It doesn't have to necessarily be your career, but that would be fun for you if it was. Practice often and with complete joy. Lose yourself in it. That's part of overcoming self-confidence issues is forgetting to think about you. Swim laps at the pool until you forget to care how you look. Get lost in something other than analyzing yourself. Fall in love with some hobby that takes your mind away from what others might think of you. Just keep practicing something you love until you get really good at it. It's your hobby and your love, so don't make any judgments over whether or not it's stupid to like doing whatever it is that you like doing. Just get on with it.

When you're in the moment -- writing music or designing websites or whatever it is you've chosen, take a moment to reflect on how far you've come. At some point, you're going to realize that you're not too bad. At another point, you'll even think, "Hey, I'm pretty good at this." Someday, you'll look up and notice that you're an expert or at the very least awesome at what you've chosen to do. Take that growing self-confidence that's connected to your hobby and begin channeling it into other areas. Depending on how much of a self-esteem problem you started out with it could be a matter of months or years before you are able to really see yourself in a new light. It's one thing to say that everyone has their unique and special talent. It's quite another to find and embrace your own.

Your talent will not be something you hate doing. Sure, I'm really very good at scrubbing the bathroom. You can conduct a white glove inspection when I'm done, but that's not my special talent. That's not my special gift to the world. And it sure as heck never built an ounce of self-confidence for me. No, you have to really truly deeply love what it is you're doing or the talent won't show itself. You have to forget to think and lose all track of time while zoning out in the flow of creating, building, stretching, and growing with the hobby. Get to the point that when you look up and notice what you've done, that you're impressed with yourself. Practice until you get to that point where you forget to judge yourself. You could very well end up making it into your career if there's a market for it. If there isn't, no harm done. You have got to build a can-do attitude around your ability to do something well.

Once you've learned something that well, you can begin stretching beyond your comfort zone and trying other things like public speaking. Okay so that might not happen right away, but once you've really mastered something, then you can always remind yourself that you are capable of success and you are capable of learning something new. Once you know that you can practice and learn new things, then the fear of new things isn't nearly so immobilizing. You can step beyond your fears knowing that with enough practice you can master almost anything you set your mind to. At that point, you won't actually have a self-esteem problem anymore.

The point is that by playing around with something you love until you are very good at it, you will gain self-esteem and that is going to make it possible for you to hold your head high and to bravely step into other more frightening areas of life. Start out by practicing at something you love until you're good at it, then move on to the other things that don't sound like much fun at all. You'll really know deep down that there's nothing to be afraid of. It all comes down to whether or not you believe that you are capable of learning something new. That's all. Self-confident people reassure themselves when walking into unknown territory by saying, "Well, I'll just have to wing it until I learn how to do it right. I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough." That comes from experiencing the positive effects of having practiced and learned something new. So go learn something new -- start with something fun.

Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge

Poker is considerable harder than Oracle

Because a lot of people knows small ball system, just look up youtube.

And learning poker is considerable easier than Oracle, so a lot of people is good at poker, but Oracle there is not much competition and much more steadier and sure to reach the top.

Nice link on small ball strategy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9iuDQe-DR50

Do research to solve any problem

1. Search engine on the internet.
2. Search in Amazon. Read the reviews.
3. Look up in Singapore library search engine.
4. Ask in Forums.
5. Search internet for free books. "book title" "free book"
6. Search it up youtube.com

For the very important good oracle and sql books i need to understand the complex subject of Oracle, enjoyablely. I type

"best Oracle books" or "best plsql books". A good book makes all the difference. Reading a good book is the highest pleasure in this world. It makes you life in control.

Two best poker books - Small ball strategy

1. Power Holdem Strategy by Daniel Negreanu
Chapter on Negreanu small ball strategy. Read the reviews in Amazon

2. Heads up no limit poker holdem by Collin Moshman
Chapter on playing without looking at your cards.

Poker hero:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Annette_Obrestad

A good detachment book

The Detachment Paradox (Paperback)

by Anthony Zolezzi
http://www.amazon.com/Detachment-Paradox-Anthony-Zolezzi/dp/0975315706

Are you a P.O.W. (Prisoner of Work)?

Anthony Zolezzi, author of "The Detachment Paradox," wants to set you free.

Now, there are a lot of skinny business buzzword books that bump across my desk here at The Journal, and some of them are actually good for something.

Like leveling a wobbly table.

Or being shredded and used for a hamster cage.

So I approached Zolezzi's bright yellow work with a healthy dollop of skepticism.

Having said that, I found a lot to like in this easy-to-read book - probably because his job and life philosophies intersect with mine.

Zolezzi's main point (and my primary operating belief) is simple: It's just a job. It's not your life.

So detach from it a little. Physically. Mentally.

Zolezzi talks about how to adjust your attitude, at work and at home, not just to reduce stress, but to do a better job. Really.

"I believe that once you start the process of detachment, you will not only be happier and more productive, but - and here's the paradox - you are likelier to earn more money from the very company whose psychological control you've managed to escape," Zolezzi writes.

Now, he's not saying to stroll in and give Mr. Control-Freak Boss a big wet sloppy kiss, and the raging idiot will turn into a nurturing, holistic supervisor. And he's not saying to hurl your cellphone, PDA and laptop into a river.

But he is saying to step back a few paces, relax, do your best, and smile once in a while. And don't let personalities or technology control your life.

When you get to that place, Zolezzi says, your work product will improve. Your life will improve. Your health will improve. Your human relations will improve.

And your career will improve - even if it means eventually, politely, giving Mr. Control Freak two weeks' notice.

So you can apply for a real life.

The 80% philosophy

When you do something, just do it to 80% perfection. Then only you can do something without freezing.

The most important step of doing something is to start.

Meditation could be only a ritual of detachment

A formalization, a discipline, a ritual, of detachment.

The meditation process could be fundamentally the same with detachment.

Detachment works

I have not use very much of detachment because there are some thought of school which says detachment deadens the feelings, which is half true, but if there is too much emotion you have borderline personality disorder and chaos, detachment pulls the balance back.

And i notice detachment is the attitude of the adult. The more evolve you are the more attached. Also there is the synthesis of attachment and detachment to something higher like detached involvement.

Detachment gives you back control.

Thus detachment is very important. Perhaps it is center of all the techniques i am trying to do.

Here are some links


http://www.redroom.com/blog/abrahammertens/the-power-detachment

by Abraham Mertens

April 16, 2009, 5:26 pm

Today I had a meeting with Joel Kimmel, who I've rowed with at the Marin Rowing Association for years. Before a couple of weeks ago I didn't know exactly what he did for a living or that much about him. I've chatted with him many times on the water or in the boathouse about rowing but don't really know him at all.

It turns out that Joel has lived a life filled with adventure, business success, and deep insights about communication and the power of language to profoundly change the way that we process life. A quick synopsis of Joel's life is that he grew up in Ohio; was drafted to serve in Vietnam; was stationed in Germany and ran the Army's ski school there while competing as a ski racer; was injured so severely while skiing that his doctors told him he would never walk again; he learned to walk, run and row and even participated in ulta-marathons; founded multiple successful businesses; and has been married for 38 years to the same woman and has two talented and successful daughters.

For the past twenty years Joel has worked as a management consultant who uses ontology and lessons about the power of langauge in business. Although it's more nuanced than this, Joel's point is that we need to remove ourselves from the chaotic and unfocused inner dialog that dominates our existance and instead take a removed view of our daily interactions. He encourages his clients to use language that focuses on how other people see their surroundings and problems in the workplace instead of having confrontations or unfocused discussions about how to proceed. By detaching from the cycle of immediate reactions and instead concentrating on how things look Joel teaches that we can get through life with more clarity.

While I was talking with Joel I kept thinking about how so many of the self-help schools and for that matter some religions stress the same point: If we can detach from the moment and view our actions through a different prism we can become happy and fulfilled. For example, I was listening to a radio show last weekend where a happiness expert reminded the listener to detach from thinking that achievement or success are the goal of work and to instead focus on the journey.

Connecting with Joel today reminded me that I need to make sure to connect more completely with the people that are in my life and that reactions to everyday events can be viewed through various prisms. The shape and color of those prisms can determine whether we succeed or fail.

http://www.heart7.net/emotional-detachment.html

Lessons About Emotional Detachment

Part 1: The Incredible Shrinking Relatives

Learning to set boundaries is part of the healing process after any form of abuse. This task can be complicated. It seems there will always be people who want to upset you. They could be family members who deny that abuse took place. They could be the offenders or their allies who are still a part of your life. Their comments, expressions, or attitudes can hurt you and make your life much more difficult.

You handle people like this by using an emotional tool called detachment. Like any other emotional process, it is a skill you can learn. It takes practice. But keep working, and you will diminish the effect these people have on your life.

EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT LESSONS

• Make Them Smaller
• Let Go
• Stock Phrases
• Set Boundaries
• Handling the Rough Stuff
• Take Care of Yourself First
• Practice, Practice, Practice

Make Them Smaller

The first step to detachment is to shrink the unhealthy person. Make the person a smaller part of your life by making other parts of your life bigger. Start a new hobby, a job, learn something new, focus on other people, join a club, take a class, have more contact with friends - you get the idea.

This equation in emotional mathematics means adding things to your life automatically reduces the space taken up by unhealthy people and relationships. Expand your horizons. Occupy your mind with new ideas. The unhealthy person will occupy a smaller portion of your mind, and therefore your life.

Let Go

The unhealthy people in your life use guilt to keep you enslaved. When you begin to detach, you are upsetting the status quo, and they will use guilt to bludgeon you back into place.

Resisting this tactic is difficult but not impossible. Learn to recognize the guilt trip. Think about why they are doing this. You are trying to take care of yourself, and some people will go to great lengths to stop you. They want to maintain the status quo.

Accept that these unhealthy people will never grant their approval. This is a vital part of letting go. In fact, withholding approval is a most effective weapon to keep you enslaved. When you let go, and honestly don't care if they approve of you, they will have a hard time hiding their surprise. Watch as they mentally scramble to think of another tactic to keep you entangled.

Realize that the other person's problem is not yours. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that no matter how hard you try, you can never, ever, ever change how another person acts. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them. You can fight the guilt they inspire. You can take care of yourself.

Stock Phrases

The unhealthy people in your life often try to catch you off guard, or will try to ensnare you in a hopeless problem. The response to both tactics is to memorize some stock phrases. Some examples: "Hm. Interesting." "Wow, that's too bad." Or my favorite: "Huh. What are you going to do about that?" The last one is very effective, since these people want you to fix their problems. This response turns the tables on them. You express interest without offering to fix the problem, and force them to offer solutions. Then you conclude with, "Well, that sounds like a good plan. Good luck with it!"

When I felt required to fix things for other people, I remember my therapist asking, "Has this person been declared incompetent? Has the state institutionalized them? No? Then they have the ability to act responsibly and fix this by themselves."

This good point inspires another type of stock response: flattery. "You're a smart person. I have confidence in your ability to solve this." How can they argue with that? Are they going to insist that they're not smart?

Part 2: Set Boundaries

Set Boundaries

It is critical to spend less time with the person you are detaching from. You can decline invitations. You can make excuses and stay away. You can claim illness. You can complain about your crowded work schedule, or how busy you are with the kids. Sure, you have been taught that it's wrong to lie. Well, in this case, it's good to lie. Taking care of yourself is more important than showing up every time. Besides, they lie to you all the time, don't they?

Another effective tactic using this point is to complain at length about how busy you are. The person you're detaching from doesn't care about your problems. Often, they want to talk about their problems. If they keep hearing about your problems, they may stop calling.

Handling The Rough Stuff

The person you're detaching from can be very abusive. Often, the reward they seek is to see the hurt in your eyes and the feeling of power they receive from being the cause of that hurt.

Recognizing this fact will give you unexpected power. The verbal jab is blunted when you know it's only meant to hurt you. And you can deny them the pleasure they seek. Don't debate the point. They want to keep the topic going because they know it's hurting you. Think of the verbal jab as a spitball thrown at you. If you laugh, or pretend you didn't hear it, or do anything else instead of looking hurt, it's the equivalent of ducking and letting the spitball sail by. Shrug off the comment as lightly as possible, and then bring up a topic of your own -- one that you know is distasteful to your tormentor. Doing this will deny them their reward, and give negative reinforcement. Eventually, they will stop attacking you. Bullies like an easy target.

Some examples are in order here. I know a man with verbally abusive parents. He learned to respond -- every time! -- by talking about his brother, who was gay. He described his brother's romantic exploits with enthusiasm, knowing his parents were very uncomfortable with the whole subject.

I know a woman whose uncle was verbally abusive and constantly made comments about her childhood molestation by another uncle. This woman learned to respond by staring at him, appearing distracted (and pretending she wasn't listening), then pointing to a spot on her uncle's face, neck or arms, and asking, "Does that look cancerous to you? Maybe you should get it checked."

Her uncle knew she was saying that as a defense. But he still hated it. And he stopped bothering her.

Take Care Of Yourself

In every life, there are other parts that are good. You have a right and a duty to focus on the good parts. If you have a good husband and child, or sweet pets who adore you, but your mother is making your life a living hell, give yourself permission to focus your time and energy on the good things.

Remember the old phrase, "Listen to your gut?" Don't do that. The unhealthy people in your life use guilt and manipulation to inspire a gut reaction from you. I remember my therapist telling me, "Of course they're good at pushing your buttons! They installed them!" Instead, use your intellect to talk back to your gut feelings. You know that person is no good for you. You know your energies are better spent elsewhere. Take care of yourself. Do what's right for you. Say to yourself over and over again, "Taking care of myself must be my first emotional priority."

There's a book that is very helpful for this step. It's called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. Buy it and read it.

Practice, Practice, Practice

When you start this process, realize that you will slip up. You have spent all of your life in your relationship with this person, so give yourself a break. Don't punish yourself if you don't detach perfectly. Learn from every experience and try to do a little better next time. Be patient and persistent.

Detaching is a vital skill to practice on someone you are unable or unwilling to completely shut out of your life. You can even still love that person if you want to, even though you have detached. Your goal is to recognize the relationships that are not good for you, and make them a smaller part of your life. You can still care about unhealthy people, if you choose. But at the same time, you can prevent them from running (or ruining) your life.


http://www.successconsciousness.com/detachment-success.htm

The Importance of Inner Detachment for Success

by Remez Sasson

We are often told that success requires motivation, desire and ambition, but there is another important ingredient, and this is inner detachment.

I hear you now saying, "What has inner detachment to do with success? Isn't detachment a state of indifference? How can one attain success with such a state of mind?"

These are erroneous assumptions! Inner detachment is not indifference! I am not speaking here about asceticism or abstinence. One can lead a normal, ordinary life, and yet display inner emotional and mental detachment.

I want to make it clear. True emotional and mental detachment is not a state of indifference, apathy or lack of energy. One can be loving, happy, helpful and energetic, and yet possess and display inner detachment.

True inner detachment manifests as the ability to think clearly and to be immune to what people think or say about you. It enables you to have more control over your moods and states of mind, and therefore enjoy inner balance, harmony and peace. It also helps you handle more efficiently your daily affairs of life, as well difficult situations or emergencies.

This is a state that comes from inner strength and inner peace, and not from apathy and indifference. It coexists with self-control, self-discipline and a focused mind. It brings inner calmness and tranquility that external circumstances cannot disturb or upset.

You will surely agree that all the above-mentioned qualities and abilities are important for the attainment of success!

Not everything always turns out as planned or expected. Plans sometimes do not work out, people don't behave as expected and unforeseen obstacles might stand in the way. All this can dampen one's spirit and weaken the motivation, ambition and faith, but a state of emotional and mental detachment will prevent all that. A person possessing detachment will not be affected or daunted by obstacles or failures and will try again and again.

While others become immersed in self-pity or in thoughts about failure and missed opportunities, the person who possesses detachment will be working on a new venture or trying a different approach. A state of inner detachment helps to forget failure and focus on the future and on success.

Lack of detachment is attachment, which means, among other things, clinging to old or outdated behavior and ways of thinking. Attachment manifests as fear to make changes, to progress or try doing things in a different way.

Lack of attachment is detachment, which equals to inner freedom and the ability to make and accept changes, take advantage of opportunities and adopt new habits.

Detachment goes with the ability to weigh the pros and cons of situations, circumstances and actions in an impartial way, and to make rational decisions, which are not based on moods. It helps to keep a clear and focused mind, and to recognize opportunities that others might not see.

Now you might be wondering whether it is possible at all to acquire this ability. Yes, it is possible, but this requires training and inner work. You will find below a few suggestions to help you start. Don't underestimate these suggestions. Follow them, and you will gain inner detachment, inner strength and inner peace.

1. Pay more attention to your thoughts, feelings and state of mind. A heightened awareness of your thoughts and feelings shows you where you need to develop and progress.

2. Remind yourself every now and then how important it is to be calm, relaxed and in control of yourself, your mind and moods, especially when you feel agitated or unfocused.

3. When you desire to say or do something that is not really important, wait a few seconds before talking or acting.

4. When aware of anger arising in you, delay your reaction for a few seconds.

5. Learn not to take everything said or done too personally.

6. Here is another thing you can do. It is very simple, but in most cases real hard. Try sometimes, not always, to switch off your TV in the middle of your favorite program. Though a very simple act, it requires real inner strength. If you can do so once in a while, you will be able to manifest more and more emotional and mental detachment, which will help you on your road to success and achieving your goals and ambitions.

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© Copyright Remez Sasson

Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".

Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.
Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm

You have to be a bit bad guy to be happy and survive in this world

You must be 40% bad guy in order not to be crushed by this world. And really important is not to suppress hate your badness or else you will be unaware of the badness and project the badness out unconsciously.

What you hate will tend to control you.

With badness your character will be balanced.

Watch the Chronicles of Riddick.

I have this realization after a huge fight with your mom in which my behavior i cannot comprehend or control over and over again. Then i realize I am not aware of some parts of myself, and that suppressing badness i dont like end up controlling me.

Actually come to realize, most of my unhappiness in life is because i am too much of a good guy, out of balance.