And i notice detachment is the attitude of the adult. The more evolve you are the more attached. Also there is the synthesis of attachment and detachment to something higher like detached involvement.
Detachment gives you back control.
Thus detachment is very important. Perhaps it is center of all the techniques i am trying to do.
Here are some links
http://www.redroom.com/blog/abrahammertens/the-power-detachment
Today I had a meeting with Joel Kimmel, who I've rowed with at the Marin Rowing Association for years. Before a couple of weeks ago I didn't know exactly what he did for a living or that much about him. I've chatted with him many times on the water or in the boathouse about rowing but don't really know him at all.
It turns out that Joel has lived a life filled with adventure, business success, and deep insights about communication and the power of language to profoundly change the way that we process life. A quick synopsis of Joel's life is that he grew up in Ohio; was drafted to serve in Vietnam; was stationed in Germany and ran the Army's ski school there while competing as a ski racer; was injured so severely while skiing that his doctors told him he would never walk again; he learned to walk, run and row and even participated in ulta-marathons; founded multiple successful businesses; and has been married for 38 years to the same woman and has two talented and successful daughters.
For the past twenty years Joel has worked as a management consultant who uses ontology and lessons about the power of langauge in business. Although it's more nuanced than this, Joel's point is that we need to remove ourselves from the chaotic and unfocused inner dialog that dominates our existance and instead take a removed view of our daily interactions. He encourages his clients to use language that focuses on how other people see their surroundings and problems in the workplace instead of having confrontations or unfocused discussions about how to proceed. By detaching from the cycle of immediate reactions and instead concentrating on how things look Joel teaches that we can get through life with more clarity.
While I was talking with Joel I kept thinking about how so many of the self-help schools and for that matter some religions stress the same point: If we can detach from the moment and view our actions through a different prism we can become happy and fulfilled. For example, I was listening to a radio show last weekend where a happiness expert reminded the listener to detach from thinking that achievement or success are the goal of work and to instead focus on the journey.
Connecting with Joel today reminded me that I need to make sure to connect more completely with the people that are in my life and that reactions to everyday events can be viewed through various prisms. The shape and color of those prisms can determine whether we succeed or fail.
Lessons About Emotional Detachment
Part 1: The Incredible Shrinking Relatives
Learning to set boundaries is part of the healing process after any form of abuse. This task can be complicated. It seems there will always be people who want to upset you. They could be family members who deny that abuse took place. They could be the offenders or their allies who are still a part of your life. Their comments, expressions, or attitudes can hurt you and make your life much more difficult.
You handle people like this by using an emotional tool called detachment. Like any other emotional process, it is a skill you can learn. It takes practice. But keep working, and you will diminish the effect these people have on your life.
EMOTIONAL DETACHMENT LESSONS
- Make Them Smaller
- Let Go
- Stock Phrases
- Set Boundaries
- Handling the Rough Stuff
- Take Care of Yourself First
- Practice, Practice, Practice
Make Them Smaller
The first step to detachment is to shrink the unhealthy person. Make the person a smaller part of your life by making other parts of your life bigger. Start a new hobby, a job, learn something new, focus on other people, join a club, take a class, have more contact with friends - you get the idea.
This equation in emotional mathematics means adding things to your life automatically reduces the space taken up by unhealthy people and relationships. Expand your horizons. Occupy your mind with new ideas. The unhealthy person will occupy a smaller portion of your mind, and therefore your life.
Let Go
The unhealthy people in your life use guilt to keep you enslaved. When you begin to detach, you are upsetting the status quo, and they will use guilt to bludgeon you back into place.
Resisting this tactic is difficult but not impossible. Learn to recognize the guilt trip. Think about why they are doing this. You are trying to take care of yourself, and some people will go to great lengths to stop you. They want to maintain the status quo.
Accept that these unhealthy people will never grant their approval. This is a vital part of letting go. In fact, withholding approval is a most effective weapon to keep you enslaved. When you let go, and honestly don't care if they approve of you, they will have a hard time hiding their surprise. Watch as they mentally scramble to think of another tactic to keep you entangled.
Realize that the other person's problem is not yours. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that no matter how hard you try, you can never, ever, ever change how another person acts. The only thing you can change is your reaction to them. You can fight the guilt they inspire. You can take care of yourself.
Stock Phrases
The unhealthy people in your life often try to catch you off guard, or will try to ensnare you in a hopeless problem. The response to both tactics is to memorize some stock phrases. Some examples: "Hm. Interesting." "Wow, that's too bad." Or my favorite: "Huh. What are you going to do about that?" The last one is very effective, since these people want you to fix their problems. This response turns the tables on them. You express interest without offering to fix the problem, and force them to offer solutions. Then you conclude with, "Well, that sounds like a good plan. Good luck with it!"
When I felt required to fix things for other people, I remember my therapist asking, "Has this person been declared incompetent? Has the state institutionalized them? No? Then they have the ability to act responsibly and fix this by themselves."
This good point inspires another type of stock response: flattery. "You're a smart person. I have confidence in your ability to solve this." How can they argue with that? Are they going to insist that they're not smart?
Part 2: Set Boundaries
Set Boundaries
It is critical to spend less time with the person you are detaching from. You can decline invitations. You can make excuses and stay away. You can claim illness. You can complain about your crowded work schedule, or how busy you are with the kids. Sure, you have been taught that it's wrong to lie. Well, in this case, it's good to lie. Taking care of yourself is more important than showing up every time. Besides, they lie to you all the time, don't they?
Another effective tactic using this point is to complain at length about how busy you are. The person you're detaching from doesn't care about your problems. Often, they want to talk about their problems. If they keep hearing about your problems, they may stop calling.
Handling The Rough Stuff
The person you're detaching from can be very abusive. Often, the reward they seek is to see the hurt in your eyes and the feeling of power they receive from being the cause of that hurt.
Recognizing this fact will give you unexpected power. The verbal jab is blunted when you know it's only meant to hurt you. And you can deny them the pleasure they seek. Don't debate the point. They want to keep the topic going because they know it's hurting you. Think of the verbal jab as a spitball thrown at you. If you laugh, or pretend you didn't hear it, or do anything else instead of looking hurt, it's the equivalent of ducking and letting the spitball sail by. Shrug off the comment as lightly as possible, and then bring up a topic of your own -- one that you know is distasteful to your tormentor. Doing this will deny them their reward, and give negative reinforcement. Eventually, they will stop attacking you. Bullies like an easy target.
Some examples are in order here. I know a man with verbally abusive parents. He learned to respond -- every time! -- by talking about his brother, who was gay. He described his brother's romantic exploits with enthusiasm, knowing his parents were very uncomfortable with the whole subject.
I know a woman whose uncle was verbally abusive and constantly made comments about her childhood molestation by another uncle. This woman learned to respond by staring at him, appearing distracted (and pretending she wasn't listening), then pointing to a spot on her uncle's face, neck or arms, and asking, "Does that look cancerous to you? Maybe you should get it checked."
Her uncle knew she was saying that as a defense. But he still hated it. And he stopped bothering her.
Take Care Of Yourself
In every life, there are other parts that are good. You have a right and a duty to focus on the good parts. If you have a good husband and child, or sweet pets who adore you, but your mother is making your life a living hell, give yourself permission to focus your time and energy on the good things.
Remember the old phrase, "Listen to your gut?" Don't do that. The unhealthy people in your life use guilt and manipulation to inspire a gut reaction from you. I remember my therapist telling me, "Of course they're good at pushing your buttons! They installed them!" Instead, use your intellect to talk back to your gut feelings. You know that person is no good for you. You know your energies are better spent elsewhere. Take care of yourself. Do what's right for you. Say to yourself over and over again, "Taking care of myself must be my first emotional priority."
There's a book that is very helpful for this step. It's called Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. Buy it and read it.
Practice, Practice, Practice
When you start this process, realize that you will slip up. You have spent all of your life in your relationship with this person, so give yourself a break. Don't punish yourself if you don't detach perfectly. Learn from every experience and try to do a little better next time. Be patient and persistent.
Detaching is a vital skill to practice on someone you are unable or unwilling to completely shut out of your life. You can even still love that person if you want to, even though you have detached. Your goal is to recognize the relationships that are not good for you, and make them a smaller part of your life. You can still care about unhealthy people, if you choose. But at the same time, you can prevent them from running (or ruining) your life.http://www.successconsciousness.com/detachment-success.htm
We are often told that success requires motivation, desire and ambition, but there is another important ingredient, and this is inner detachment.
I hear you now saying, "What has inner detachment to do with success? Isn't detachment a state of indifference? How can one attain success with such a state of mind?"
These are erroneous assumptions! Inner detachment is not indifference! I am not speaking here about asceticism or abstinence. One can lead a normal, ordinary life, and yet display inner emotional and mental detachment.
I want to make it clear. True emotional and mental detachment is not a state of indifference, apathy or lack of energy. One can be loving, happy, helpful and energetic, and yet possess and display inner detachment.
True inner detachment manifests as the ability to think clearly and to be immune to what people think or say about you. It enables you to have more control over your moods and states of mind, and therefore enjoy inner balance, harmony and peace. It also helps you handle more efficiently your daily affairs of life, as well difficult situations or emergencies.
This is a state that comes from inner strength and inner peace, and not from apathy and indifference. It coexists with self-control, self-discipline and a focused mind. It brings inner calmness and tranquility that external circumstances cannot disturb or upset.
You will surely agree that all the above-mentioned qualities and abilities are important for the attainment of success!
Not everything always turns out as planned or expected. Plans sometimes do not work out, people don't behave as expected and unforeseen obstacles might stand in the way. All this can dampen one's spirit and weaken the motivation, ambition and faith, but a state of emotional and mental detachment will prevent all that. A person possessing detachment will not be affected or daunted by obstacles or failures and will try again and again.
While others become immersed in self-pity or in thoughts about failure and missed opportunities, the person who possesses detachment will be working on a new venture or trying a different approach. A state of inner detachment helps to forget failure and focus on the future and on success.
Lack of detachment is attachment, which means, among other things, clinging to old or outdated behavior and ways of thinking. Attachment manifests as fear to make changes, to progress or try doing things in a different way.
Lack of attachment is detachment, which equals to inner freedom and the ability to make and accept changes, take advantage of opportunities and adopt new habits.
Detachment goes with the ability to weigh the pros and cons of situations, circumstances and actions in an impartial way, and to make rational decisions, which are not based on moods. It helps to keep a clear and focused mind, and to recognize opportunities that others might not see.
Now you might be wondering whether it is possible at all to acquire this ability. Yes, it is possible, but this requires training and inner work. You will find below a few suggestions to help you start. Don't underestimate these suggestions. Follow them, and you will gain inner detachment, inner strength and inner peace.
1. Pay more attention to your thoughts, feelings and state of mind. A heightened awareness of your thoughts and feelings shows you where you need to develop and progress.
2. Remind yourself every now and then how important it is to be calm, relaxed and in control of yourself, your mind and moods, especially when you feel agitated or unfocused.
3. When you desire to say or do something that is not really important, wait a few seconds before talking or acting.
4. When aware of anger arising in you, delay your reaction for a few seconds.
5. Learn not to take everything said or done too personally.
6. Here is another thing you can do. It is very simple, but in most cases real hard. Try sometimes, not always, to switch off your TV in the middle of your favorite program. Though a very simple act, it requires real inner strength. If you can do so once in a while, you will be able to manifest more and more emotional and mental detachment, which will help you on your road to success and achieving your goals and ambitions.
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© Copyright Remez Sasson
Remez Sasson teaches and writes on positive thinking, creative visualization, motivation, self-improvement, peace of mind, spiritual growth and meditation. He is the author of several books, among which are "Peace of mind in Daily Life", "Will Power and Self Discipline", "Visualize and Achieve" and "Affirmations - Words of Power".
Visit his website and find articles and books filled with inspiration, motivation and practical advice and guidance.
Website: http://www.SuccessConsciousness.com
Books: http://www.successconsciousness.com/ebooks_and_books.htm
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